Continued discussion....

I suppose this should just be viewed as my internal conflict written down.... 

My mom didn't work until a few years ago.  Sally was at least in late middle school before she started working and even then, she was working "part-timeish" so that she could get to all of Sally's stuff.  I really appreciated her staying home and being able to volunteer in my classroom at school and things like that.  I wanted to be able to offer that to my kids.  However, I see her struggling now with working.  She never really finds a job that she likes and I think she is going to have a horrible time in a couple years when Sally goes to college.  Part of this is just my mom, but I think a great deal of it is that she spent 25 years at home raising kids and now really doesn't know what to do with herself.  I worry about that.

Getting pregnant is a very expensive process for us.  We burned through about half of our savings getting pregnant with P.  I want another baby.  If I am not working, it's going to be really hard to save up the amount of money it will take to have another baby.  Other financial concerns include the fact that if I am not working, I will have to self-insure since I can't be included on Alicia's insurance.  (Also making more challenging to have another baby!)

I agree with Carrie in thinking that babies are only little once - I could return to teaching after the kid(s) go to school.  But, doing that isn't always as easy as it seems.  And - how are we going to have other kids if we don't have a dual income?

On the other hand....

I truly believe that people should raise their own children.  What kind of awful parent am I if I just ship my infant off for someone else to deal with during the day?  I read the info on the websites about all the teachers playing with the babies and all the wonderful one on one time that is spent with them and I literally start crying because I don't want to pay someone to play with my baby.  I want to play with my baby!  I want to be there when she rolls and crawls and walks and all of those things.

Although I, theoretically, will be in a different position, I will still be in the same school district and I have not had super positive experiences there.  I HATE my current position, which made the decision to stay home and deal with everything else much easier.  Now that the position is different (and quite ambiguous at that) I may be making it rosier than it is.  I could hate it just as much.  Then, I would be paying someone to play with and raise my baby while I went to a job that I hated.  That's certainly not right.

I suppose I don't have to make a decision right now.  Who knows how I will actually feel about everything once P is here.  It's just on my mind right now.

Life turned upside down

Amy, I know how you feel.

I thought I had it all figured out.  I was going to quit in January.  I was going to be a stay at home mom.  Alicia jokes (or semi-jokes) that my grand plan was to quit my job, buy a bigger house and have another baby.  This was basically true.  Yes, the plan was flawed, but I thought it would all work out.

Today, I find out that I am definitely getting a VH-1 elementary band position for the 2009-2010 school year - possibly when I return in January, but I will definitely not be returning to the high school after my initial few weeks this fall.  They have already hired my replacement.  They are not entirely certain what I will be doing in January, but I have a new VH-1 spot next fall and will probably be working with those programs in January.

This sort of turns my plan on its head.  Working more regulated hours with elementary band and being able to work with beginners is what I want.  However, I am really nervous to put P in day care.  It just doesn't seem right.  She would be so little. 

On the other hand, if I keep working, we really would be able to buy a bigger house and have another kid (and then I could quit if we wanted).  I know it's not all about money, but there are things I want us to be able to do as a family that we wouldn't be able to if I wasn't working. 

I'm very conflicted.  But we are touring the Goddard School tomorrow, which is something I haven't been able to make myself do until today, so I guess the possibility of returning to work became less scary and traumatizing today.

All that being said - part of me feels that the system is still going to screw me over.  We will see.  I'm excited at the new possibility.

Lazy update

I know that many of you are looking forward to pictures of the floors, but, frankly, the idea of getting up, taking pictures and loading them onto the computer is not appealing to me right now.  Call me lazy.  It's true.  The heat has been horrible lately (except for a brief period yesterday after it rained) and I am done!  When I get hot (even in my air conditioned house) I get light headed and I don't feel like holding my own head up, let alone doing anything.  So, I really haven't been.  Poor Alicia.

What have we done recently? 

The floors - You all know this, but my parents were down all last week ripping up carpet and installing new floors.  They look really nice.  Unfortunately, the carpet, which my parents will be taking, but didn't have room for on the way home, is still in our garage.  This means Alicia's car is in the driveway (which makes it EVEN hotter when we decide to take it anywhere.....see above comment on being too hot.)  I think that, overall, I survived a week with my mom pretty well.  I feel bad because my dad basically did everything by himself.  I'm not much help, (although I did scrape carpet pad glue, fill in nail holes and hand boards to my dad), Alicia's back was out of commission and my mom is not very helpful in situations like these.  Oh well.  They are done. 

Attended another baby class - Crazy Jane was not nearly as crazy.  I got really sick partway through, so I'm not really sure what we talked about.  I was just looking forward to the part when I could lay on the floor and close my eyes.  Next week is the tour...YEA!

Bought some cute stuff for P's room - I'm not normally a crafty person, but we found some inexpensive shelves at Michaels, which we are going to paint and then bought the letters for her name along with some doo-dads to put on the wall.  We are excited to get it up.  This, however, is going to require me going outside (to help paint).......not excited about that.

Put together the changing table - I hate furniture assembly.  Right now I just get too hot (okay, let's be real....I get hot going to the kitchen to get a drink.) and maneuvering around on the floor trying to help Alicia is not fun either.  However, it's done and we should only have one more piece of furniture to assemble (if we ever figure out who got it for us and when we will get it!).  So, I'm glad it's done and we can start using it to store the appropriate things.

I guess that's it.  Another baby shower this weekend and then band camp next week.  That should be fun.......

Friday Fill-in

We have spent the last 4 days in a serious state of construction as my father came down to rip out our carpet and install laminate wood, so I haven't been blogging. Sorry. More on the floors to come. For now, just a Friday fill-in.....

1. If I could be a fly on the wall I would love to be in on those interviews today. (No matter what, Amy, you still rock!)
2. Jealousy is a horrible thing, but I suffer badly from it. I'm trying, really, but it's hard for me.
3. When I see a shooting star my wish would be that our baby is healthy and that all those I love get the healthy babies that they are longing for as well.
4. I'd rather be cold than hot any day! I think perhaps this answer is perhaps slightly biased by my current preggo state and the 90+ degree weather, although that's pretty true for me in "real life" as well.
5. Certain songs when I hear them make me wanna cry, dance, sing, relive my childhood....so many songs!
6. If time were in a bottle it might be great to be stuck in a "summer" bottle and then get thrown out to sea!.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to visiting with my sister and my mom, tomorrow my plans include attending my brother's graduation and Sunday, I want to sleep! It has been way to busy around here lately.

appointment

I am electing to not do the Friday Fill-in's mostly because my answers and Alicia's will probably be fairly similar and who wants to read the same blog twice?  

We had our doctor's appointment today.  It was a little rough seeing as I didn't sleep last night and the appointment was at 9:15 (early for summer) on the other side of town.  The little bed they make you sit was actually calling my name and I was so tempted to lay down and nap until the doctor came in.  However, I restrained myself and I did learn a little bit of important information.

Those of you that regularly stalk know that I have been a little panicky about fetal movement lately, so I asked about it.  I had heard the 5-6 movements per hour thing.  When I asked the doctor she confirmed that information.  The piece that I either missed or misunderstood was that it only had to be 5-6 movements in an hour's time twice a day.  Any two hours in a 24 hour period are fine.

OH!  That makes it all better.  She totally moves that much.  For some reason, I thought that I ought to be able to feel her 5-6 times per hour EVERY hour.  I guess when I really think about it, that's ridiculous.  She has to sleep sometime, but it was just never made clear to me and I'm new at this!

Two more happy things about our appointment- 1) Baby P is head down and will most likely stay that way  2) I didn't gain any weight in the last two weeks! :)

So, although I am exhausted and feeling pretty sick today, it was a good day because I know that our baby is fine and, hopefully, I will be able to calm down a little in regard to this fetal movement thing.  9 weeks and 5 days to go!

Insomnia

If any of you look closely, you will see that I am indeed up at 4am typing a blog.  (This will make 3 entries in 24 hours - crazy talk!)  Anyway.  I can't sleep.  I know that pregnant women everywhere are in shock about this, but it's been hitting me pretty hard.  I have always been one of those people who could sleep wherever, whenever and through whatever.  In college,  my roommates found this to be hilarious and I have several pictures of them posing with me and dressing me up while I am sleeping.  

While I am still a heavy sleeper, I can rarely actually get there.  This is very hard for me.  I am a person that needs lots of sleep and I'm just not getting it.  This leads to headaches, crabbiness and a need for many naps.  Somehow, it's just easier to get comfortable on the couch in the middle of the afternoon than it is in the middle of the night.  

Right now, we have been "asleep" for about 5 hours.  I have been up 4 times.  I decided to try the couch.  (Generally, a little more comfy than the bed for me.)  I am getting a headache (note to self....finish typing and take Tylenol so as not to ruin your entire day tomorrow) and can't sleep because I just keep making a mental list of things to ask the doctor tomorrow.  Also, P is actually awake and kicking, which isn't bothering me, but when she is moving around and I am aware of it, I like to stay aware or it since I haven't been noticing her as much lately.  I guess it's just reassuring.

Okay, faithful readers, I guess I am off to TRY to go to bed again.  Maybe getting up and doing something has made me tired enough and emptied my brain enough that I will actually be able to fall asleep.  Good night.

Thursday Thirteen

I have never actually done a Thursday Thirteen (partly because I tend to forget the days of the week in the summer) so I thought I would give it a try.   Here goes....

Thirteen things that we (and by we I mean mostly Alicia) got accomplished today:

1.  Semi-organized the clothes in P's room - They aren't actually organized because we still have to wash them (or wash the ones we are going to wash right now) but they are either hanging or in the dresser.  

2.  Put the bedding and mobile on the crib - It's cute and if I weren't so lazy, I'd take a picture and post it.

3.  Ran many errands - to the Target to update the registry, buy random things like 33 pounds of cat litter for $10 and see if we could find window coverings for P's room...no luck, so we went to the Home Depot - jackpot!  We got a shelf for the laundry closet (to have somewhere to put the things that are currently in P's room), something on which to hang the valance, a window shade and a ceiling light.

4.  Took a nap - this was mostly me.  The three hours of errands wore me out.  

5.  Hung the valance - All Alicia

6.  Hung the shade - Again, all Alicia (I was still napping.)

7.  Put in the new closet shelf - I helped as much as I could.

8.  Moved items from one shelf to another - I think we have games stacked about 8 feet high in this closet now...

9.  Attempted to put in ceiling light but discovered that the screws that came with the light were not the right size for our "hole" so we will go get more tomorrow. 

10.  Picked up dog poop so Alicia could mow - No, we don't own dogs, but my brother's dogs come to visit often, so we do get pooped on.

11. Alicia mowed (actually, she is still mowing, but I assume she will finish!)

*These last two haven't been accomplished yet, but they are on the list*

12.  Enjoy some strawberries and angel food cake 

13. Watch a movie - together - maybe even on the same couch if I can not get too uncomfortable too quickly - So, I'm not sure that the last two are accomplishments, but we (again, really Alicia) did a lot today so maybe it is an accomplishment that we will manage to squeeze in some together time.

Tomorrow is doctor day!  YEA!!!  I'm pretty anxious to talk to her about this kicking (or lack of kicking thing.)  Luckily, it's an early appointment, so hopefully I will feel less nervous soon.

Childbirth class - the boring version

So,  I guess now you get my version of our childbirth class last night.  Let me say, that I am not nearly as good with the written word as Alicia, so this will not be the side-splitting entry, as hers was.  

Yes, our instructor is super old woman who enjoys talking about sex, which was generally uncomfortable for all and super weird for us in light of the way we got pregnant.  However, I did find this crazy instructor a little comforting in that I sort of felt the whole class was bonded against her in thinking that she was a complete nut-job.  

I was also pleased to discover that the class would not be the type of class in which we are quizzed on things.  Those type of classes generally make me uncomfortable because, even though I often know the answer, I hate being the person that answers and I often find myself in class with people who are either completely stupid or doing the same thing.  So, I guess the fact that crazy Jane doesn't like silence is a good thing in that regard.

Additionally, I was very happy that we made it through introductions without getting lynched.  Saying, "I'm Suellen. This is my partner Alicia and this is our first baby," in central Indiana can often lead to a lynching.  I'm not saying we were the most popular people in the class or that everyone was lining up to talk to us during break (well, other than crazy Jane), but no one avoided us or made snide comments.  I'm not really sure why I have a fear that something horrible will happen because it never has, but it's always a real fear that I have.

And lastly, I was surprised with how nice the inside of the hospital is.  We have not yet been anywhere where actual hospital-y things happen, but the lobby did have a self-playing baby grand piano, which after having been to the 5 star hotel that is Clarian North, is how I judge how nice a hospital is!  (I'm mostly just kidding with this....mostly!)

So, I suppose we survived the first week.  It wasn't too painful and went by fairly quickly.  I'm pretty much just in this right now for the hospital tour in 2 weeks. Generally, logistical questions are the one that worry me.  So, hopefully, that will all get resolved.  Once settled, I trust the doctor and nurses (and drugs) to get me through the actual birth.  It's certainly not going to be crazy Jane!

Painting and Paranoia

Paintfest 2008 is over!  Yea!  My sister, Stacy, is an amazing person.  She came in Thursday night, we started painting Friday morning and by Saturday at 3pm we were done painting 2 rooms (with primer and 2 coats) and the hallway.  I cannot believe how fast things went.  Alicia and I did help a little on Friday, but, because of the whole pregnancy thing and the fact that Alicia threw out her back again, Stacy mostly did it all herself.  

One of the best things about Paintfest was that it contained no aspects of crazy Sharp-ness (which we have all acquired from our mother.)  We didn't get up ridiculously early or stay up way into the night.  We had time to enjoy a Fourth of July Barbeque with my brother and sister-in-law as well as play some games.  It was a lot of work (again, mostly for my sister), but it was nice to visit as well.  (Even if I was sitting by the open window, practically hanging my head out like a dog,  trying to breathe in non-fumey air and she was maneuvering around me and all the crap we didn't take out of the rooms trying to paint.) 

It occurred to me as Stacy was leaving that I most likely will not see her before the baby arrives.  That kind of made me sad.  As excited as I am about finally having the baby, it's also weird and a little sad to think that the next time I see her, I will be a mother - which I think will make me a different person (not drastically, mind you, but still different.)  I guess it's just a little sad when an era comes to an end.

Onto the paranoia part of this post....For about the last week, I have been extremely paranoid that something is wrong with the baby.  This stems from two things.  First, last week, I read the horrible section in the baby book about how to cope when something goes wrong or, God forbid, a baby dies.  I have no idea why I read this section.  I was just a little bored, laying on the couch and thought, "I haven't read this part yet."  BAD DECISION!!!!  I am convinced that something awful is going wrong.  This coupled with the fact that the baby has been or perhaps, has seemed, less active is causing me some trauma.  

I think that our baby is less active than others people's babies. I hear stories about people who say that their baby moves 'all the time.'  Our baby, not so much.  Generally, I feel her move or kick  in short spurts about 3 or 4 times a day.  The last few days, I have been pretty busy and, I guess, have not been noticing her movement at all.  This makes me nervous.  Additionally, once I actually fall asleep, I am a pretty heavy sleeper.  Alicia has mentioned that she has felt the baby move in the night, but I am sleeping and do not feel her.  So, once you add all these things together, I am convinced that something has gone wrong and the baby is not okay.

Today, I actually resorted to eating a super sugary, M&M cookie sandwich (M&M cookies with ice cream in the middle) and laying on the couch in order to convince myself that she was okay.  Luckily, she complied and about 15 minutes later she was moving around.  I cannot wait to go to the doctor again Friday to make sure that everything is indeed okay.  

This week should be, shockingly, pretty busy.  We have several small projects to complete before our next wave of family (and massive work) arrives.  Wish us luck!!!!!!