A Rough Week

This week (or really the last couple of weeks) have been really hard on me.  I believe I last left off having been to the MedCheck once and having the doctor tell me that I was fine-ish, just needed some rest. I stayed home for a day and thought that I was feeling a little better.

But then, this cough hit.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't talk sometimes without going into terrible coughing spasms.  I actually started taking cough drops.  I have NEVER in my life been able to stomach a cough drop.  I was eating them by the bag and adding them into my calories for the day.  Then, I read the "dosage" of cough drops.  One every two hours.  OH.  That's not good.  I was consuming far more than that. I decided to go back to the doctor.

Good news.  I wasn't crazy.  There really was something wrong with me.  (Although "allergy induced bronchitis" sounds really fake to me.)  Regardless, they acknowledged that I couldn't breathe and something needed to be done.  I got a breathing treatment in the office, a prescription for Prednisone and some "good" cough medicine that was going to allow me to sleep at night.  I was excited.  I was going to get better!

Sort of.  The breathing treatment helped for a bit.  The Prednisone helped (although I was still only breathing at what felt like 85% or so).  The cough medicine was a) the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted and b) helped I guess.  I don't know what it would have been like without it, so I suppose that I will trust that it was doing it's job.  Here's the issue.  The Prednisone made me gain weight.  This was NOT good for my psyche.  I started the week a mere 4 pounds away from my 1st goal.  I am now 8 pounds away from this goal.  I know it didn't help that my family was in town and I made some terrible food choices over the weekend, but I think that was partly spurred on by the previous weight gain and a "who cares" kind of attitude.  It was BAD.

I have some major body image issues.  I FEEL fatter now than I did 50 pounds ago.  I can literally feel my fat oozing over the sides of my pants even if it is not.  (Now I sound like a total nut job, right?)  But, I'm working on it.  We bought the treadmill today. Even thought I am not fully recovered, I actually ran on it tonight.

Dude.  Really hard.  Couldn't breathe for a good while.  Had many coughing fits, but kept going.  I did decide to stop after 2 miles, even thought my original plan was 3. On the bright side, the running part wasn't the hard part.  It was the breathing part, which is mostly unrelated to the running.  I like the treadmill and think that I will use it often and am feeling motivated to become a "runner" again.  (Was I ever a runner?  That's probably up for debate.)

So, I guess that's it.  I'm not posting a weight update because it's too depressing for me right now.  The size 12 pants I just got to buy last weekend are questionably fitting, but I'm hopeful that by this weekend, they will be good again.

Check in and the Plague

This post is slightly late coming to you this week because of The Plague.  I am unsure what nasty virus I have caught, but it is a giant pain in the tukus.  Friday night, I started to feel crummy.  I went to bed early.  I was supposed to get up early to take the pep band to the Regional game.  I still felt horrible, but got up and got in the shower and just about passed out.  I couldn't do it.  So, Alicia took the kids to the game.  I laid around all day Saturday.  I thought I was better on Sunday.  I babysat my niece and nephew and it was good - until the drugs wore off.  Then I crashed.  I felt lousy on Monday, but made it in.  Didn't really make it through my classes very well.  By the end of the day I was wearing my coat (inside) and shivering. I came home and went to bed.  Alicia took Parker to ballet.  I thought I was doing better....no.  Tuesday - still feeling crummy.  This is getting ridiculous.  I go to school.  Apparently, I am now looking like hell as well because several people ask me if I am ok.  My co-worker graciously volunteers to teach my classes if I will enter his grades.  Yes, please.  I can do that.  I leave early and go the MedCheck.  There's nothing wrong with me.  (Other than the fever I have had since Saturday.)  Awesome.  The doctor tells me to rest (he should tell that to IPS) and drink lots of fluids.  I cashed in my last available day today and am dozing on the couch.  I had stinkin' better be well by tomorrow because I'm SO over this.

As far as the weight loss goes....Um.....Not sure where I left off.  (I know my actual weight, but I don't know what it was the last time I posted.)  I think I lost a couple more pounds.  I have 6.4 more pounds to go before I reach that healthy BMI and 25.4 more to go before I reach that "college" weight!

OH - and at the MedCheck yesterday, my heart rate was low.  The Nurse asked me if I was a runner because runners normally have a lower heart rate! :)  Makes me wanna get back on the running bandwagon so to speak.  A medical professional actually thought I might be an athletic person!!!!!!!

Movin' on Down

Another week down.  I didn’t do too badly this week , weight wise at least.  I am down 3.8 pounds, which is pretty good.  I did make my goal (barely) of breaking into the new set of 10.  I think my metabolism might be changing slightly.  I don’t know how or why that would happen, but I ate terribly this weekend (think cupcakes, Texas Roadhouse rolls and Bazbeaux pizza) but I still lost weight.  I guess that’s a good sign.

I didn’t, however, exercise at all.  I feel like that’s really bad, but at the same time it feels more real to my life.  We didn’t get the treadmill (yet).  I’m SO hoping that things will slow down soon so that we can go get it.  I have really enjoyed the last few nights on the couch, but am kind of looking forward to being able to run again.  I just am NOT motivated to go outside anymore.  It’s bad.  I feel like I’m failing.  But, it’s the truth.

In other news, I cannot wait to buy new clothes.  Dressing for work is a struggle.  I have 1 pair of jeans that fit, 2 that sort-of fit, and 3 pairs of “dress” pants that will stay on.  I can only wear jeans 1 day a week.  The rest of the time I just look terrible.

I’m going to keep holding out – I don’t want to have to buy all new clothes at each size. 

Here are the totals:

Weight lost since August: 57

Weight lost since November: 49

(I’m not sure why I keep track of both of those numbers other than I like to see the bigger weight loss number from August, but I didn’t really start trying until November, so I just feel like they are both significant)

10 pounds until I have a normal BMI

I think I’m gonna shoot for 29 more pounds total.  We’ll see.  It’s a flexible goal.

Weekly Update

Well, here it is:  The Weekly Update. 

Pounds lost this week : 5! 

I also went down another size, which is pretty exciting.  Do you even know how incredibly awesome it is to :

1) Not have to shop in the “plus” department? 

2) Not have to take the largest size on the rack – in the “regular person” section?

3) Realize how many cute clothes are out there – and that I might actually look good in them?    Sadly this is a moot point at the moment since we are only buying clothes to “get by” until we reach our goal weights.

However, I’m just not feeling great about things right now.  I think it’s because I’m not really exercising.  I used the gazelle twice last week (Wednesday and Sunday) but I’m not sure if it’s really helping.  My knees always hurt when I am done and I never really feel winded or like it’s a real workout.  I always feel really powerful and proud of myself after I’m done running.  I don’t get that with the gazelle.

We have a treadmill picked out, we just have to buy it (and assemble it).  I’m nervous about buying a piece of exercise equipment.  Mostly because I have seen so many major purchases like that just sit around in people’s houses and I don’t want to waste our money. I just need to stay motivated.

It’s hard to stay motivated to exercise when I am still losing weight without physically doing too much.  I know it’s not all about the weight.  It’s about being healthy and not feeling winded when you have to carry your completely-exhausted-almost-40-pound-preschooler out of the Children’s Museum and up - and then down - all those stinking ramps (which I successfully did on Sunday, thank you very much), but part of me is just LAZY.

So, I suppose my goals for this week are:

1) to keep movin’ down.  I would like to break into the next set of 10

2) to obtain the treadmill.  In the meantime, I should do something small (like gazelle) on our busy nights and I should RUN on Thursday.

Great Friends

I just want to send a quick "thank you" to all who have posted comments on my last post.  I really appreciate all the support and am really sorry if I came off as whiny or in some tragic state.  Honestly, I was (and am) just frustrated at all the things I think I should be, even if it really is impossible.

I'm doing better right now because the weight loss has begun progressing again.  I haven't run yet this week, but I did use our old Gazelle last night.  It's not the same as running, but it was close-ish.  Right now, I think I'm just going to be happy if the scale is moving in the downward direction.

I still haven't really decided on a goal weight.  I'm just trying to chunk things.  6.4 more pounds before I reach my 10 pound date goal.  About 15 more before my BMI falls into the normal category.  I'll set more goals once I reach those.

Shockingly, I have a bunch of school work that I should be doing, so maybe I'll go do that.  (Or maybe not.  Whatever.)

Never Enough

I’m struggling right now – with many things, but mostly with not being able to be everything I want to be. 

I want to be healthy and in shape (and perhaps 2 pants sizes smaller)

I want to be organized

I want to have a clean house

I want to have a cute, well decorated house

I want to blog

I want to read.  Boy, do I want to read.

I want to play my flute (and maybe more than once a week at band)

I want to do projects and go on fun outings with Parker

The problem is that I also want/need to have a little bit of time to do nothing.  To decompress.  By the time I get home from school with Parker (on a night when we have nothing scheduled) it is 5pm.  This leaves me 2.5 hours with Parker in which to cram all the things I want to do that involve her and all the things we HAVE to do that involve her (bath, dinner etc).  This is not a great deal of time and Parker is normally kind of cranky at the end of her day.  So, grandiose ideas of craft projects and things of that nature are gone. 

By the time she is bedded down for the night it is anywhere between 8 and 9pm. (Yes, it can last that long on a bad night and if one single person judges me on the way my kid goes to bed right now, I might actually throw this computer across the room.)  If I actually want to feel rested in the morning, I have one hour of time left.  If I want to merely function and get through my day while sleep-deprived, I have 1.5 or 2 hours. 

So, let’s say I run.  This takes 45 minutes of actual running and then 15 of getting ready and becoming  human again at the end.  There’s an hour.  If I’m going for merely functioning, I have 30 minutes to an hour left to do anything else.  (Please keep in mind that I am now operating in hour 16 of my day and I haven’t stopped.)  It’s at this point that I SHOULD organize something or read a book or clean the bathroom (or pick up the random clutter that is always laying around) or write a blog post.  But, instead I just sit and feel bad about myself because I’m too tired to do anything else.

And all of this assumes that we have nothing scheduled for the night (no pep band, no dance class, no random meetings, no band rehearsal)

The thing that kills me is that I know there are other Moms out there (Alicia, for one) who do this too, but I just can’t seem to get it together and actually get it done.

And then, all these people are posting about their freezer meals and the books they’ve read or the cute craft project(s – yes MORE THAN ONE!) that they are doing with their kids.  And here I am trying to get in “quality time” with Parker while she’s watching the rest of her Sesame Street and eating “cheese and bread with no crust” and I’m unloading the dishwasher.  My house looks like something has exploded in it.  Even when it’s clean, it’s not all nice and organized.  I feel like I’ve fallen off the weight-loss wagon and really the only thing in the entire world I want to do right now is organize Parker’s closet and drawers to get rid of the things that don’t fit her, but there isn’t any time for that, so I guess I will keep piling all the ill-fitting clothing on the top of her closet and hoping that they don’t one day come toppling down on me.

Meh.

Epic Fail

This week has been a complete and total failure.  I did NOT even come close to meeting my goal of running 3 days.  I ran on Monday.  Tuesday, being Valentine's Day and all, was spent together as a family on the couch.  Then came Wednesday.  I was supposed to run, but then I just had a really bad headache and was starting to feel gross.  I thought it was ok - I could run Friday and Saturday nights.  Then, my throat started really hurting and my voice went away.  It was not pretty.  Friday, we ended up going out with friends for a little bit and by the time Saturday night came around, both Alicia and I were pretty much down for the count.

The whole week was terrible.  I ate cupcakes every day.  I didn't run and I feel/felt like crud.  I actually gained weight this week.  (.2 pounds, but whatever!)  I haven't gained weight since Christmas.  It's been pretty depressing.

I was going to run tonight, but then it's ballet night for Parker, which means we don't get home until 8 and then she often isn't asleep before 9.  The whole thing is just a recipe for disaster.  And, I'm still not feeling great.  Relying on cold medicine to get me through the day.  I feel like these are excuses and if I was REALLY into this, I would just go.  But I really am exhausted and don't feel well.

I'm hopeful that this week will be better.  We get a week off from basketball games, which should help tremendously.  And, we have decided to offer ourselves an incentive: Once we each lose 10 more pounds, we get a date night.  (That's a sad bribe, isn't it?)   But, I'm hoping for a date in 3 weeks!

20 more pounds puts me at a healthy BMI,  30ish more pounds makes me skinny like in college.....

Let's......Go...... (Can you tell it's really hard right now?)