Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Why I'm so tired or The people I love

Last night was the worst night of sleep I have gotten since being pregnant. I just couldn't sleep. My brain would not shut off. I was so tired; I couldn't even open my eyes. However, I was wide awake and my brain was thinking at the speed of light. Well, maybe worrying at the speed of light would be more accurate.

Here's what I was thinking about:

Alica - I'm incredibly sad and worried about her dad, but I am even MORE incredibly sad and worried about her worrying about her dad. Does that even make sense? It's just really hard to watch someone you love be so sad and scared and not really be able to do anything about it. I'm a "fixer." I just want to make it better for everyone and I can't.

Parker - She's so amazing and so sick right now. She has this horrible cold and her little nose runs all the time. She, of course, hates having it wiped and we won't even discuss the torture of the bulb-snot-sucker-thing. She can't sleep laying flat at all, she just chokes on her own snot. So, we've been sleeping her in the carseat. But, she doesn't sleep well in there. She tosses and turns all night long. She just wants to cuddle and sleep all day long (and I have to go to work.) Plus, I'm doing this musical which makes our lives pretty chaotic right now and I worry about the effect it's having on her. The poor baby doesn't feel well and I'm just dragging her around the world everyday.
As a sidebar, I would like to make a list of some of the things I love about Parker right now:
*Her "dolphin" squeal
*That she gives hugs
*That she will request to be held by someone by leaning toward them
*That she is fascinated by our couch
*That she "talks" all the time - She can say the consonant sounds of "b,m,d,g and occasionally p"
*That she looks like such a big girl playing on the floor with her friends Bryn and Shay when I pick her up in the afternoon
*Her laugh
*That she will innitiate peek-a-boo by pulling a blanket or cloth over her face, waiting for us to say "Where's the baby?" then pulling it away.

Finn - Our poor kitty. She was our first baby and now she is just old and broken. I had to take her in for her surgery this morning and I just laid in bed last night worrying about her being okay, about us being able to take care of her during her recovery, about her being scared when I took her and about me feeling guilty for not spending more time with her - especially last night.

And lastly, the University musical - It's no secret that I am pretty much in love with University High School and its students (despite all its flaws!). So, now that I am finally working with these kids in some way - it's stressing me out. I want to be so good for them and they are so smart/talented and sometimes I feel that I'm just not good enough. I mean musicals are not my strongest point (not that I'm awful, I've sucessfully navigated a few, but it's not exacly my main area of study.) I want to help them and I just don't always know what to say. I know it needs fixing, but am not sure how to tell them to do it. Plus, it's a little awkward because I'm not exactly sure what my role is and I don't want to overstep my bounds, but I also don't want to just sit there like a lump. All that combined with the dichotomy of my two "jobs" right now, just sort of hurts my head. (The difference between the kids I teach during the day and the University kids is really amazing. It's like my kids are 10 years younger, when in fact, many of them are older by a couple years.)

So, there you go. A brief glimpse into my head. Maybe getting it all out here will help me sleep better tonight! :)


Cathy said...

We call it the Nasal De-Snoocher. :) Chris hated/loathed/despised it.

Also, maybe if you tuck a blanket or something under one end of her mattress that will tilt it up for her to breathe better. That's what we've done in the top shelf of the pack-n-play...of course, P is WAY to big for that, but maybe she'll sleep better on a tilted mattress like in the hospital.

Suellen said...

We have tried the tilted mattress deal and she just slides down. Alicia stayed home with her today and is calling the dr. It's been 5 days. That's too long in my opinion for this thing to have not gotten any better.

Krysten said...

I feel your pain with the sick baby. It was awful when Sadie had a cold. It lasted for well over a week. She, too, hated the snot sucker. Have you ever tried it? I can't say that I would blame anyone for hating it. It could suck your brains out.

I don't know what's going on with Alicia's dad. It doesn't sound good, though. I guess that will be one more thing to add to the prayer list.

Know that I'm thinking about all of you. Hang in there!