I can't play solitaire all day!

I'm too efficient I guess. I have nothing left to do. Grades are done. Room is cleaned and organized. Inventory is done and instruments are in the shop. Percussion room is cleaned. Random marching uniform junk is put away. Kids are all locked in a room watching a movie (I guess by now they are locked in the gym doing "activities.") I'm sitting in my room.... So yeah....

WAIT! THIS JUST IN!!!! My job share for next year has been approved!!!!! Yea!!!!!!!! So, I will only be teaching M,T and Wednesday morning. No marching band, no pep band (oh, wait....I signed on to do that at University....) no afterschool rehearsal. More time with P! Less stress! Finally, something has worked out! :)

Okay, here's your Friday Fill-in!

1. It's cold and frozen. Pardon me while I fantasize about ice creamy desserts. I'm trying REALLY hard this week to bust under a certain weight and all I want is ICE CREAM!
2.Mmmm.... tomatoes. Specifically those little grape ones. Those are tasty!
3. My favorite health and beauty product is um...I don't think I have one.
4. We're going for a nice long ride. (In a couple weeks, but still....)
5. Well, first of all I'm not a PE teacher. I don't have random "gym" activities stored in my brain. Second of all, that's not my job and lastly - you didn't even give me any notice. The children will return to their homes unscathed this afternoon and that's all you are going to get!
6. Random boy who has decided that he "loves" me and various other kids at my school; those were the cast of characters in a recent dream and it was creepy and awful - really glad that it was just a dream
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to pretending it's summer, tomorrow my plans include probably starting to think that it is actually summer and Sunday, I want to look forward to summer being 1 day away!

Random-ness

I'm just a little bored, so I thought I would post a few pics of Parker.
She's thinks she's hot stuff - one handed and all....
Lately, Parker has loved to stand and sit at the sliding glass door. Partly because she likes to look outside and partly because she likes to play with the curtain. Unfortunately, our Kitty Finn also likes the curtain and it is perpetually covered in cat hair. Very gross!!!!! We are trying to get P to drink from a sippy cup. We finally found a cup where she doesn't (always) try to drink upside down. Right now she is just using it to chew on (stupid, stupid teeth) but she gets some occasionally!Not much to say other than see above comment about teething. She actually has one little tooth "nub" poking through, but I think the one next to it is trying really hard to pop through as well. Basically, she is a rashy, poopy, snotty, drooly mess right now. Really attractive. I know.

On the move????

I think by now everyone knows that Parker is not so big into being on her stomach. This has greatly reduced her attempts at rolling (which she has done 5 times TOTAL) and now, crawling. Lately, however, she has seemed a little more interested in the process.

She wants to go but has no idea how to do it. Alicia has been trying to "teach" Parker to crawl by demonstrating. Parker thinks this is hilarious! Don't get excited by this picture - she was set in this position during her "crawling lesson", but she is totally looking at Alicia like, "Okay Mom, I'm here. What next?"

The bigger exciting thing from the weekend is that Parker now (and quite suddenly) will stand by herself while holding onto an object. Before she would just sort of put weight on her legs while we held under her arms. Now, she doesn't want to sit and has started trying to pull herself up on things. I feel like things are moving a bit too fast. I think that by the end of summer she is going to be quite the handful!

Statements

I cannot stand two-faced people.

I don't understand how a group of adults can be so petty and childish.

I am a woman - not an incompetent.

You hired me to do a job. Now trust me to do it.

Just because I am a lesbian does not mean that I appreciate your comments about breasts - especially in a professional setting. Really!

I do not know how to hem pants. Do not make assumptions.

My decision to work part time when I have a young child is just that. My decision. It's not yours. Don't judge me and tell me that I am wasting my talent.

I'm beginning to feel that there is far to much wrong with public schools to be fixed.

I'm tired of trying.

I miss being around "nice" teenagers.

I'm getting sad about leaving the 5 or 6 "nice" kids I have here. I'm letting them down.

My job bores me.

I'm going to miss teaching band. I miss it now.

Oh - and I'm hungry.

Stupidity abounds

Up until recently, I have had mostly very positive experiences with the medical profession. Everything surrounding Parker's conception, pre-natal care and her birth was fabulous. Last week, we received a call from Dr. DHM (our fertility dr.) saying that they had received notification that our donor's sperm had been used to conceive a child who has Spinal Muscular Atrophy.

I freak out. That's what moms do - right?

So, I call the genetic department of the sperm bank and a VERY nice woman talks me through what this means and all the nitty gritty details. She then sends me several documents regarding the disease and our specific situation.

I calm down. Parker has just a .5% chance of actually having this disease and she hasn't yet displayed any symptoms. However, she has a decent chance, 50% I believe, of being a carrier for SMA.

Backtracking, SMA is a recessive, degenerative muscle disease. Most people are affected as infants, with the diagnosis usually occurring between 3 and 6 months. When this happens, the prognosis is fatal. There are less severe forms that can occurr in toddlers or adults.

So, in order for Parker to have a possibility of having SMA, I too, would have to be a carrier. The genetic counselor at the sperm band recommended that we get Parker tested to know if she is a carrier (or has the disease) and that I also be tested so that we could make an informed decision about using this donor in the future.

Now, the fun starts. First, I called my doctor. They just flat out won't do it without someone else ordering the test. Okay.....I called Parker's doctor. The nurse was fairly rude and didn't understand the situation. She kept asking me if this was a neighbor or someone....did she think we got sperm from our neighbor????? (She clearly has not met our neighbors!) She tells me that she thinks we should wait until the donor has been positively tested for SMA. I tell her to go ahead and talk to the Dr. anyway. (The positive test results arrived the next day.)

Today, they call me and direct me to some doctors specializing in genetics. So, again, I call.

The woman is obnoxiously rude. After giving me the run-around for about 10 minutes, she says she will schedule an appointment. The earliest they have is October. WHAT? Whatever. I schedule it and call the next person.

The next woman was nice enough, but she was SOOOOO dumb. At first, she thinks that Parker is pregnant and could potentially have the disease. (After I clearly stated that Parker is MY daughter and is 8 months old!) Then, she puts me on hold for like 10 minutes and comes back giving me the number for some pre-natal place. I asked her why I needed to talk to someone in pre-natal and she said it was because I was pregnant. I'M NOT PREGNANT! Parker is 8-friggin-months old! Finally, she gives me another number to set up an appoitnment.

The last woman, Iris, is impossible to understand on the phone. She mumbles like crazy and my cell is kind of dying and it's pouring rain. This is a recipe for disaster. I explain the situation. At least, she understands. We fumble through me giving her my information. She is apparently as dumb as a box of rocks and can't spell anything. She asks for my husband's name (that's always my favorite - especially after saying that I used donor sperm -not that married hetero couples don't use donor sperm, but it should at least put up a flag...right? You would think people like this wouldn't make assumptions). In, general, she's pretty crabby with me. She tries to tell me that they should have tested for that and the Sperm Bank should do the test. I tried to explain to her that they can't test for EVERYTHING and regardless, we signed paperwork saying we understood stuff like that. Plus, they are in California! So, she makes an appointment, but says that they won't test asymptomatic children. Parker will have to wait until she is 18. Fan-friggin-tastic. I made an appointment. Lord knows I don't want to go through that again, might as well make one and then cancel. This one is at least in June.

I feel like I am being given the run-around by everyone. Every single person I talked to today tried to tell me that I needed to talk to someone else (although they generally did not know who.) Most people were rude and dumb. Awesome. I just want to make sure my baby is okay and try to figure out where we go from here as a family and no one is trying to help me. I hate it.

Missing the cuteness

Since I have been largely MIA for the last month, I thought I would post a few pictures showing what Parker has been up to.
She pretended that the box was a car and Mommy "drove" her around the house. We finally found a ball and, although this is not the most flattering picture, she enjoys "rolling" on it as well as beating it and rolling it to people.

We bought a small slide for the backyard. Sometimes she loves it (see below) other times she is not so sure. (No pics of that!)

The weather has been nicer lately, so we've been taking lots of walks. (She looks so big and long in this picture!)

We mostly walk to the playground to go swinging!

Now, the poor baby is really sick. We spent 4 hours in the ER last night because she just wouldn't stop an endless cycle of scream, writhe, vomit, sleep, repeat. They took x-rays and a urine sample, but think it is just a virus. However, we were up all night because it just isn't getting better. I feel so bad for her. She is home with Alicia today and hopefully will begin to show signs of improvement. I hate having a sick baby!

Fighting the good Fight

Ever since I graduated from Butler I thought that I would want to teach in the inner city. I thought I could really make a difference. I thought that those kids needed someone who would actually care about them. I could "Mr. Holland's Opus" it up.

I still think that much of that is true. However, I just don't know that that someone is me. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't make a difference. The system just beats me down constantly and no matter how hard I try or how much I work or how much love I give away, things remain the same. I bust my butt with some of these kids only to have them just drop out anyway or get pregnant anyway or make some other terrible choice anyway. And let it be said, that these are not always easy kids to love. They aren't usually intelligent, they often put up a huge barrier that you have to break down in order to even TRY to love them and sometimes they are just downright smelly. But they need me, right?

So, here's the dilemma. I get a chance to temporarily work with suburban, mostly well off kids. And I like them better. That's horrible. I'm a terrible person. So, I rationalize....kids are kids - yes? They all need something and I feel like I actually made some sort of difference with them. Maybe it wasn't a life or death difference, but I feel like the outcome was, at least, affected because I was there.

I feel like I am abandoning all the things I thought I believed in. And I feel bad about that. But at the end of the day, I don't want to be here anymore. When I am here, I am not as good of a teacher as I could be. I am a "good enough" teacher. I don't want to do that. I want to be the best that I can be and my current situation doesn't bring that out in me and, for a myriad of reasons, I'm not self-motivating to do it either.

I guess it's all a selfish thing. I need kids to need me. I need to see that I have made a difference and I need the kids to recognize and appreciate that difference. I'm a terribly selfish person. I should just be able to keep fighting the good fight and not need any sort of pat on the back. But I do. And I'm not getting it. So, I fight with less vigor. Then, I sort of just stop fighting. And I feel bad about ceasing the fight, but I don't have any energy left. I'm just not getting anywhere.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Almost there. Here are my countdowns:

21 - days of school remaining (including today, which is almost over)
16 - days until Memorial Day
3 - 500 parade rehearsals
2 - more performances of "Forum"
1 - concert
1 - parade

10 - Amazing weeks with my family - I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I can.....I think I can.......I think I can.....