Fighting the good Fight

Ever since I graduated from Butler I thought that I would want to teach in the inner city. I thought I could really make a difference. I thought that those kids needed someone who would actually care about them. I could "Mr. Holland's Opus" it up.

I still think that much of that is true. However, I just don't know that that someone is me. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't make a difference. The system just beats me down constantly and no matter how hard I try or how much I work or how much love I give away, things remain the same. I bust my butt with some of these kids only to have them just drop out anyway or get pregnant anyway or make some other terrible choice anyway. And let it be said, that these are not always easy kids to love. They aren't usually intelligent, they often put up a huge barrier that you have to break down in order to even TRY to love them and sometimes they are just downright smelly. But they need me, right?

So, here's the dilemma. I get a chance to temporarily work with suburban, mostly well off kids. And I like them better. That's horrible. I'm a terrible person. So, I rationalize....kids are kids - yes? They all need something and I feel like I actually made some sort of difference with them. Maybe it wasn't a life or death difference, but I feel like the outcome was, at least, affected because I was there.

I feel like I am abandoning all the things I thought I believed in. And I feel bad about that. But at the end of the day, I don't want to be here anymore. When I am here, I am not as good of a teacher as I could be. I am a "good enough" teacher. I don't want to do that. I want to be the best that I can be and my current situation doesn't bring that out in me and, for a myriad of reasons, I'm not self-motivating to do it either.

I guess it's all a selfish thing. I need kids to need me. I need to see that I have made a difference and I need the kids to recognize and appreciate that difference. I'm a terribly selfish person. I should just be able to keep fighting the good fight and not need any sort of pat on the back. But I do. And I'm not getting it. So, I fight with less vigor. Then, I sort of just stop fighting. And I feel bad about ceasing the fight, but I don't have any energy left. I'm just not getting anywhere.