Missing the cuteness

Since I have been largely MIA for the last month, I thought I would post a few pictures showing what Parker has been up to.
She pretended that the box was a car and Mommy "drove" her around the house. We finally found a ball and, although this is not the most flattering picture, she enjoys "rolling" on it as well as beating it and rolling it to people.

We bought a small slide for the backyard. Sometimes she loves it (see below) other times she is not so sure. (No pics of that!)

The weather has been nicer lately, so we've been taking lots of walks. (She looks so big and long in this picture!)

We mostly walk to the playground to go swinging!

Now, the poor baby is really sick. We spent 4 hours in the ER last night because she just wouldn't stop an endless cycle of scream, writhe, vomit, sleep, repeat. They took x-rays and a urine sample, but think it is just a virus. However, we were up all night because it just isn't getting better. I feel so bad for her. She is home with Alicia today and hopefully will begin to show signs of improvement. I hate having a sick baby!

Fighting the good Fight

Ever since I graduated from Butler I thought that I would want to teach in the inner city. I thought I could really make a difference. I thought that those kids needed someone who would actually care about them. I could "Mr. Holland's Opus" it up.

I still think that much of that is true. However, I just don't know that that someone is me. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't make a difference. The system just beats me down constantly and no matter how hard I try or how much I work or how much love I give away, things remain the same. I bust my butt with some of these kids only to have them just drop out anyway or get pregnant anyway or make some other terrible choice anyway. And let it be said, that these are not always easy kids to love. They aren't usually intelligent, they often put up a huge barrier that you have to break down in order to even TRY to love them and sometimes they are just downright smelly. But they need me, right?

So, here's the dilemma. I get a chance to temporarily work with suburban, mostly well off kids. And I like them better. That's horrible. I'm a terrible person. So, I rationalize....kids are kids - yes? They all need something and I feel like I actually made some sort of difference with them. Maybe it wasn't a life or death difference, but I feel like the outcome was, at least, affected because I was there.

I feel like I am abandoning all the things I thought I believed in. And I feel bad about that. But at the end of the day, I don't want to be here anymore. When I am here, I am not as good of a teacher as I could be. I am a "good enough" teacher. I don't want to do that. I want to be the best that I can be and my current situation doesn't bring that out in me and, for a myriad of reasons, I'm not self-motivating to do it either.

I guess it's all a selfish thing. I need kids to need me. I need to see that I have made a difference and I need the kids to recognize and appreciate that difference. I'm a terribly selfish person. I should just be able to keep fighting the good fight and not need any sort of pat on the back. But I do. And I'm not getting it. So, I fight with less vigor. Then, I sort of just stop fighting. And I feel bad about ceasing the fight, but I don't have any energy left. I'm just not getting anywhere.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Almost there. Here are my countdowns:

21 - days of school remaining (including today, which is almost over)
16 - days until Memorial Day
3 - 500 parade rehearsals
2 - more performances of "Forum"
1 - concert
1 - parade

10 - Amazing weeks with my family - I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I can.....I think I can.......I think I can.....

Sleep

Isn't there a Barenaked Ladies song regarding sleep.....something like "Who needs sleep? Yeah, you're never gonna get it.  Who needs sleep? Hey, what's that for?"  Am I making this up?  Anyone?  

Even if I made it up....that's where I am right now.

Catching up - sort of

The last couple of weeks have been pretty busy in the Sharp-LaMagdeleine house. This is my pathetic attempt to sort of get caught up.


The last weekend of Spring Break, Parker's Aunt Sally came to visit. She had recently taken a trip with her high school marching band to Disney World and she came bearing all sorts of gifts. Parker doesn't quite understand why she is wearing mouse ears. Aunt Sally stayed the whole week and then Grandma and Grandpa LaMagdeleine and Uncle Eric came to visit for Easter. I wasn't able to get any great shots of Parker rooting through her basket, but this one is pretty cute.

Grandpa LaMagdeleine introduced me to beer. I loved to play with the bottle. Too bad my moms wouldn't let me actually have some!

Then, later in the week Grandma L. and Eric came back to celebtrate Uncle Eric's birthday. I helped him open his gifts by "personalizing" my card to him.

Then, Saturday was such a nice day that Parker got to spend some time in my backyard hanging out with the fam.

Now, we are back in musical hell. However, it will be over soon. I should get to see Parker before she starts driving at least. Sigh. Oh - and I would like to point out that P is wearing a dress in TWO of these photos!

Why I'm so tired or The people I love

Last night was the worst night of sleep I have gotten since being pregnant. I just couldn't sleep. My brain would not shut off. I was so tired; I couldn't even open my eyes. However, I was wide awake and my brain was thinking at the speed of light. Well, maybe worrying at the speed of light would be more accurate.

Here's what I was thinking about:

Alica - I'm incredibly sad and worried about her dad, but I am even MORE incredibly sad and worried about her worrying about her dad. Does that even make sense? It's just really hard to watch someone you love be so sad and scared and not really be able to do anything about it. I'm a "fixer." I just want to make it better for everyone and I can't.

Parker - She's so amazing and so sick right now. She has this horrible cold and her little nose runs all the time. She, of course, hates having it wiped and we won't even discuss the torture of the bulb-snot-sucker-thing. She can't sleep laying flat at all, she just chokes on her own snot. So, we've been sleeping her in the carseat. But, she doesn't sleep well in there. She tosses and turns all night long. She just wants to cuddle and sleep all day long (and I have to go to work.) Plus, I'm doing this musical which makes our lives pretty chaotic right now and I worry about the effect it's having on her. The poor baby doesn't feel well and I'm just dragging her around the world everyday.
As a sidebar, I would like to make a list of some of the things I love about Parker right now:
*Her "dolphin" squeal
*That she gives hugs
*That she will request to be held by someone by leaning toward them
*That she is fascinated by our couch
*That she "talks" all the time - She can say the consonant sounds of "b,m,d,g and occasionally p"
*That she looks like such a big girl playing on the floor with her friends Bryn and Shay when I pick her up in the afternoon
*Her laugh
*That she will innitiate peek-a-boo by pulling a blanket or cloth over her face, waiting for us to say "Where's the baby?" then pulling it away.

Finn - Our poor kitty. She was our first baby and now she is just old and broken. I had to take her in for her surgery this morning and I just laid in bed last night worrying about her being okay, about us being able to take care of her during her recovery, about her being scared when I took her and about me feeling guilty for not spending more time with her - especially last night.

And lastly, the University musical - It's no secret that I am pretty much in love with University High School and its students (despite all its flaws!). So, now that I am finally working with these kids in some way - it's stressing me out. I want to be so good for them and they are so smart/talented and sometimes I feel that I'm just not good enough. I mean musicals are not my strongest point (not that I'm awful, I've sucessfully navigated a few, but it's not exacly my main area of study.) I want to help them and I just don't always know what to say. I know it needs fixing, but am not sure how to tell them to do it. Plus, it's a little awkward because I'm not exactly sure what my role is and I don't want to overstep my bounds, but I also don't want to just sit there like a lump. All that combined with the dichotomy of my two "jobs" right now, just sort of hurts my head. (The difference between the kids I teach during the day and the University kids is really amazing. It's like my kids are 10 years younger, when in fact, many of them are older by a couple years.)

So, there you go. A brief glimpse into my head. Maybe getting it all out here will help me sleep better tonight! :)

Spring Break '09

I haven't been very good about blogging lately, but that's because we were on SPRING BREAK! We had intended to have a restful week, but fun got in the way! :) We began the weekend by playing in a friend's wedding, then we journeyed up to Northern Indiana to visit Alicia's parents. Parker had way too much fun staying up late with her Grandma! (So much for getting her on a better schedule!) We came back Tuesday afternoon and visited the Trader's Point Creamery. We enjoyed a great lunch and Parker had fun people watching. Wednesday, we got up and headed to the zoo.
Parker anxiously waits for the fun to begin! P watches "her" dolphins in the Dolphin Dome. (Lately, Parker has taken to shrieking very high and loud - much like dolphins. We think that she is calling the dolphins and forming and army to overtake the world!)

Parker liked the ostriches!

After fun adventures in cleaning the house and doing laundry on Thursday and Friday, we visited the Children's Museum Saturday morning.

Parker stares intently at herself in the mirror in the "Babyscape" section of the museum.

Although, you can't really tell from this picture, Parker LOVED the carousel. She was very tired, so she was a little cranky until the music started, but as soon as we started going, her mood changed! She liked it so much that she rode twice - once with each of her moms.

Now, we are back at school. :( However, there are only 38 more school days until summer and, hopefully, the time will go by quickly since we are so busy (which is another post for another day - for now, let's suffice it to say that we will be eating dinner in room 104 until May 3rd. Leftovers are yummy!)

OH - and we had Parker's 6 month portraits taken. If you haven't found these on facebook, you need to check them out at www.blog.micahbellphotography.com Seriously, he made my kid look like a model! :)